I need to write

The amount of love from my friends this morning has been unbelievable. And I am so blessed to be in the position that I am -with a store, at 28 years old, in San Francisco, living the dream.

change

I haven't written for 8 months. And today, I feel like writing.

I read three sentences from my last post and in May. I was grieving and reconstructing my infrastructure, re-evaluating my values and digging deep inside to find myself - different than where I am today.  Today, January 10th, I realize that my life has turned full circle.  I am a San Francisco business owner.  I sell affordable one of a kind thrift and vintage clothes for men and women and curate events in my space.  I do everything that I love in my store and share it with everyone that walks through my doors.  And I meet amazing people everyday.  I am livid, completely blessed and so grateful to have the opportunities that I have.  The energy I suppressed inside is now exerted in everything that I do, EVERYTHING. I love my life have worked so hard to find focus.

I haven't danced or exercised since August. I ran Lake Merrit yesterday #changingit

I haven't sang for fun in a long time. I sang tonight in the store #changingit


I have a complex when it comes to relationships and allowing people to love me. And Sunday, I realized that I have to be honest with myself in order to grow and like the person that I am. I can't run from love or deny my feelings.  I have to be honest with myself first. So I'm mending wounds that I've swept under the rug and dealing with myself and the things I need to address. #changingit

Everything in life is good.  I'm the strongest I have ever been. And I need to take risks. I have nothing to loose. There are just a few loose ends that need some attention. Change is gonna come. I'm so scared. But change is going to come.

LettingGo

I was homeless for a week. Been broken because of bad energy. And have been fighting to get through the past month. I fell off the grid, lost my face, and am now in the process of finding and re-inventing myself. And to top it off, I'm grieving because of losing two things - the house I grew up in and the piano that I've had since I was 5. I'm not one to care for material things, despite what I may portray. But, my connection with the two is strong like rock - still. I've been broken for six months inside, fighting everyday to be strong.  But, I've accepted and believe that life is amazing and can be quite a fight, making today okay. 

I cherish the time I spent in Pacifica and reflect every morning about my experiences there in life. And am grateful for having had such a home, filled with life, love, and warmth. 

But to be honest, I'm still shaken from losing my piano. I believe it saved my life. As a child I was bouncing off the walls and full of energy - more energy than normal. At 5, I was diagnosed with Hyper Thyroid and had to be medicated and monitored, a horrible lifestyle.  My piano saved me, literally. Playing it helped me express myself and channel energy I didn't know how to control.  I would feel frustrated because I didn't know what to do with myself and what I would feel inside -I was a firecracker that would explode.  But, playing forced me to know discipline. It encouraged me to experiment with musicality artistically and enabled me to use my hands to express and channel the energy running through my blood and body.  I learned control and was able to manifest sanity and understand peace of mind. It was music therapy....

...and now I'm without it.

I always reflect and make of lists of things to LET GO of. It's helped me grow. I made another one. I will burn it today to help me push forward. And PIANO is on the top of the list. I record myself -experiences, feelings often. I recorded the last day I played the piano. Watching it is bittersweet. 

Sometimes you just have to let go.

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” — Herman Hesse

Bone Thugs N Harmony - LA, Day 2

Day 2 of working with Bone Thugs and The Life Entertainment was an amazing experience, pushing me to test my potential in the event/artist entertainment industry.  Last Friday night was definitely one of the most challenging events I have ever worked, feeling 10 times more intense than any SF/Bay Area event I've ever witnessed.  I was high off of the rush and am recovering from it all now. I'm addicted. And my taste of Hollywood's industry with a high profile artist was definitely DELICIOUS.

From being the face of The Life Entertainment greeting artists at the venue, to working with the million promoters who were hungry for the door, to getting Wish, Krayzie, and FleshNBone into the club, to running around Hollywood picking up Hot Wings and artists - I had my hands FULL, constantly moving, running, creating avenues for challenges. I changed my shoes three times.  I applied my dark black, purple lipstick 4 times. And immersed myself entirely in the event. I'm not 5 feet 8'. I'm small. I'm Filipino, not white and my hair's not straight - different from Asians around. I'm not from LA, and don't fit the description of the standard woman in the industry BUT I bust my ass hard, passionately and live in the moment, loving it all.

Funky Wristbands for Bone and The LIFE, the Funkier the Better.

Michelle suggests plain wristbands.

Pozition's Sound Check @Cabana Club

Gemma's Delicious Cupcakes - Marley's Treats

Our MEDIA WALL - Oh the drama we went thru to get this wall up

Krayzie Bone

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Bone Thugs N Harmony - LA, Day 1

I am blessed to extend what we started in the Bay to LA. I got the call from their management direct and have been on the grind all day. Tonight's gonna be fire.

I parked in the streets of Hollywood and my meter was busted and i got a $68 ticket. WTF?

@Krayzie Bone's Studio - They makin' MAGIC

Krayzie Bone and Flesh-N-Bone

MTV and BET

Mooooon MAN

Bone Thugs and Harmony

In 1995, the same year I made my first phone call to a boy I liked, I became a pro at recording music off the radio. I'd take a blank tape from my dad's collection, jam it in my stereo, change the channel to KMEL, and wait, listening to each song until it was time to press record.  I was anxious every time I'd sit there, staring at the stereo, hoping I'd catch the beginning of the song I wanted. And I'd get them all: Freak Like Me, Waterfalls, Gangsta's Paradise, One More Chance/Stay With Me, Shy guy, and MORE. But one of the infamous songs, was Crossroads.  I was on Bone Thugs like white on rice, in a trance from their chants and swag.  CMC was on after school everyday and I'd wait for the video to come on.  I would study the lyrics and know them like the back of my hand. And this past week, I've been living in Bone Thugs and Harmony World, a surreal space in my world that has taken me once again, on an amazing journey. The experience was interesting and I'm blessed to have gotten to know them and their team.

We (Paragon Lux Entertainment) were able to work with Studio 92, based out of Hayward, Bone Thugs direct, and Krayzie Bone's Label - The Life Entertainment, their artists.  Thank you Trung Tran at Club Recess for hosting Friday night's party and for Duc and Mike Yee of Horizon for hosting Saturday Night.  

OUR VIDEO DROP for Bone Thugs' Official AFTER PARTY @HORIZON Ultra Lounge

Billy Billz and Sin Marlee

Duke Terrell

Paragon Lux with Marley's Treats

Krayzie Bone

Wish Bone

DONNIS - Signed with Atlantic, soarin' HIGH, and rockin' HIGHLANDS

I was fortunate to catch up and coming artist DONNIS at the Highlands last night. With that ATL swag and cool, down to earth personality, he graced the stage with his presence as the ladies loved him.

www.donnismusic.com/
TWITTER: DONNISXDONNIS

Livin' the Dream - BIG Boi in LA

Last week's party at Atmosphere was surreal. Running, managing, networking, and throwing events are my forte. And I'm so blessed to have had the opportunity to be apart of Big's birthday in the Bay. Working with Paragon Lux Entertainment is the beginning of a beautiful thing. And the next event will be even better, now that I'm prepared and have knowledge of how things can be. Anything is possible. I believe it.

So I come back to LA last Wednesday and extend my hospitality to Big Bio and his management directly, texting them to contact me. I didn't expect them to hit me because I knew they were busy, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to put myself out there and give it a try. Big calls me himself and the next thing you know I'm on my way to hang rockstar status, pulling up to a chaotic club in Hollywood, walking past the red carpet to watch USHER perform his OMG, while sitting next to Adam Lambert. I DIE. I treasured the moment and felt such fulfillment, I realized that I've been working so hard all my life for a moment like this. I was able to share it all with the beautiful Charrie Lanette.

...as the night continues, it gets better...Big asks me to dance in his show at Club Nokia the following night. I'm humbled and do what I need to do to put on a show with Big. Charrie does my makeup and is by my side the entire time. I'm blessed and so grateful for such an incredible experience. This is just the beginning to something so BIG and beautiful. I'm ready, focused, and am surrounding myself with such positive energy that will help me strive. Thank you to Ana and Tony of Paragon Lux for believing in me and trusting me to be apart of their team. Without them, I wouldn't have the connection to Big.

USHER - horrible shot, but it's still USHER

Bryan Barber gettin' footage of Big

Big Boi's Manager  Lo

Sound Check @Club Nokia

DJ SWIFF 

Jeremiah Alexis interviewin' Big

Big Boi's Officially Birthday Extravaganza @Atmosphere, SF 2/8/11

I have been working, promoting, and managing events for almost 10 years.  I've learned and mastered the ropes from the best of the industry in the Bay Area.  I belong. I feel myself. And I love every second of it and its craziness.  I've been given to opportunity to be apart of such an amazing company, Paragon Lux Entertainment, owned by Tony Williams (from ATL) and Ana Leano-Williams (SF).  They flew me to SF to show me what they're about and I'm 110% convinced that it's where I need to be in my career.  I had the pleasure to help them throw Outkast's BIG BOI's birthday Extravaganza at Atmosphere.  From tasting the cupcakes, to club networking in the BAY, to getting the cake and writing 'Happy Birthday Big', to situating BIG's ice sculpture, to presenting his special 'medicinal' treats, to running around, and making sure the event is successful - I was ALL over it, in it, on top of it, under it - ALL up in it. And BIG loved the event. It was definitely a highlight in my career.

ICE Sculpture - I had no idea you pour your shots into this

Talking with BIG 

Paragon Lux Entertainment - Ana Leano-Williams and Tony Williams

Marley's Treats - Responsible for BIG's delicious cupcakes

Cheesecake Factory Failed to write BIG's birthday wishes on his FRUIT Cheesecake so I gave it a shot

After Party - Postin' at the W, SF 

Takin' elevator with DJ SWIFF

AMERICAN IDOL

I auditioned for American Idol last August and it was quite an entertaining experience. My 2 seconds of fame was on TV last week and apparently, I was shimmying for the camera :)

December 30, 2010

I've neglected my blog and writing about my life experiences.  The end of 2010 was a very difficult time for me.  I had to find it in myself to be strong and get through one of the hardest times of my life.  Specific experiences in the past two months have helped me get to where I am today...

...and it starts 12/30/10 - The launch of Emeness Groupe, Mj and my's event management company and my 27th birthday extravaganza...

Angelique, Annie, Me, MJ

Fred

All I want Is You - Miguel Jontel

It's amazing how an object, a place, or a thought can connect two people

It's amazing how an object, a place,  or a thought can connect two people. It can even remind you of them when they're gone.

The bus stop on Hickey and Gateway reminds me of my grandpa. He took the bus everywhere. He walked to the bus stop, paid his $.35 to get on the 20J, and ride to Serramonte. Or he would take the bus to Greyhound and escape to Reno for a day.  I would even see him there as I walked home from school, waiting for the bus; waiting to get to wherever he was going.  When I pass by that particular bus stop, I still feel him.

I used to watch the waves at the Pacifica Pier with a beautiful man.  We would go there and bask in the beauty of the water as it hit up against the pier. The water would be so powerful some days. And flat other days. But we would go, just to go. Sometimes we'd talk. Other times, not. He's gone now. And I often watch the waves to be close to him.

I'm a child at heart. I try and show it in my smile. And I love the kids that are involved in my life. I live for them, until I have my own. I do. And I'm sometimes far from the ones I love. So when I miss them, I think of a park. I think of a time when I played in the park with them. And I remember it and play it out in my head.  And I begin to feel them near me and feel the connection we have even if I'm in LA.  And I'm ok.

I've loss people in my life. I'm far from people I love. And I struggle inside. So I find something, anything that connects us just so I could be near them.   Sometimes it's the best that I'll get, the only thing that will remind me that that person was real in my life.  I love them.  Sometimes it's just perfect to fill the void.

Be PRESENT

Life is full of ups and downs.
Things happen.
Time goes on and on.

Hearts break during breakups.  CRY so you feel the pain.

People laugh with friends about funny things they share.   LAUGH until your cheeks ache.

Beautiful babies are born out of love. Embrace life and how powerful its creation is.

The drums call you. SO dance from inside. Bring movement to life.

Gun shots are fired.  People get robbed.  Dogs die. People die.

Be present in it all to really live and feel the things that happen.

After Hours

I did dirt. I admit. After hours dirt. Waiting for his phone call after 1:00am kind of dirt.  Watching out extra for the text or the call.  I looked forward to it. I had no expectation of how long it was going to last. I didn't even think about what he really thought about me, or if he even cared to know the real me. There was something about the drive there that felt conniving; as if I had to wear all black and turn off my headlights as I pulled up to his drive.  But my Celica's lights never turn off.

I was in touch with myself fully and knew what I wanted.  I didn't want more. I knew exactly what I was doing. I'd get the call, drive over, do dirt, and leave in the morning and go about my day.  It was a thrill. I felt a part of womanhood that I never knew existed. Whether it was wrong or right, it happened.  And it happened after hours. It happens to people. To men. To women.

It happens after hours.
...but it never stays like that forever...

PekPekPower

I hate HOOTERS

At 19 years old I could not control the rage that boiled inside of me. I was destructive, insecure, irrational, and emotionally unstable.  I was dangerous - ALL because of the anger and sadness that manifested inside of me through years of being a wreck - a train wreck that paralyzed my body and my brain making me non functional. I was involved with a boy, knee deep. It was an unhealthy relationship and I was terrified of myself.

One night, I received an unexpected phone call from an acquaintance which was a friend of my boy. It was disturbing, direct, and surreal. Let's just say my boy did some dirt and Mr. acquaintance spilled the beans. I was furious, devastated, and hurt. I confronted the situation and my boy denied it. I let it go and stayed with him, knowing in the back of my head that he was lying.

...we had a trip to Hawaii planned with our close friend and I took my feelings out on him because I wasn't mature enough to confront the situation.  It was still bothering me.

It was a hell in paradise.  I was jealous the moment he glanced at another girl and threw him attitude that cut like a knife.  The second another girl talked to him, I snarled.  I was a pro at being passive aggressive and did everything in my power to make him miserable.  It was out of impulse.  I was on fire.  And he didn't help the situation in any way.

After snorkeling and looking at fish, we were starving. And being hyper thyroid, a hungry Steph is NOT pleasant to be around. I felt my blood boiling. I was hot and ill tempered. I thought about what he did and imagined the dirt specifically. I played it out in my head and looked at him in disgust, talked to him disrespectful, and gave him the cold shoulder.  My imagination is quite vivid and gets me into a lot trouble.   I couldn't contribute to finding lunch so I sat my ass in the back of the car and HOOTERs became the desired destination.

Why would I want to go to a restaurant that was featured on Love and Marriage as babe magnet central? Why would insecure Steph want to go to some place where there were beautiful Hooters women when I had low self esteem because my boy didn't want just me?  

I sat directly in back of him so he could hear me breathing deep.  I dug my fists deep into the back of his chair and punched the small of his back, repeatedly until I felt his ribs. And I would come close to his ear and snarl "I don't want to go to Hooters". I'd punch him using the pain and anger inside of me. We got to Hooters and I took my chair and faced it outside of the table, excluding myself, acting like I lost my appetite when in fact I was low on sugar and food I felt like fainting. But my hard ass, acted a fool. After being ignored, I left. And wandered so that I wouldn't be found.

He found me and cussed me out all the way to the hotel. I wouldn't have it. I separated myself from the group and wandered around Waikiki for a couple hours praying for a way out, praying for help, and hoping to find the strength in myself to end the relationship.  I was insecure, acted on impulse, and would do inappropriate things.  Love wasn't supposed to be crazy, not the love I wanted to have with a man. And I contributed to the crazy. I was terrified.

I went back to the hotel and my luggage threw up my entire Hawaii wardrobe.  Bathing suits, bras, panties, shirts, skirts EVERYTHING was all over our room.  He scattered my belongings as if I were scum. I was finished, finished with it all.

Long story short - I contributed to the craziness. I stayed with him after we had problems but I didn't give him a fair chance to be with me because I was caught in the past - I was caught up in the dirt.

I chose to stay after I confronted him but I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt.  I contributed to the cycle. In fact, I was the driving force.

Now, I realize it all. It's nuts.

If you stay with your man after the dirt OR after you hear some shit about him doing dirt give him a fair chance to be with you because you could loose him and easily loose yourself.

(p.s. this isn't the first time I went through something like this. I had to go through it a number of times in my relationships to really appreciate the lesson today)

...go to sleep hoe...

I've been called a lot of names by boys and girls in my life - bitch, hoe, slut, asshole, etc; disrespected verbally by people who think that talking inappropriately is normal and okay to do.   I knew it wasn't right to tolerate it - despite whether or not I contributed to the drama; but only till the last 5 years of my life did I really realize that there are good men (people) out there that can treat you right and talk to you without disrespecting you when they're upset.  It's possible.  I believe it.  I was just surrounding myself with people who naturally weren't mature enough to deal with their feelings or were just raised in an environment that tolerated that.  They would turn situations negative because they couldn't communicate otherwise.  And I wasn't mature enough to deal with it appropriately. So I contributed to the cycle.

I was a senior in high school and had to stay after school for rally rehearsal.  I let the boy I was in love with take my car and my brother home.  It was something I did. This was a time in my life where I was fully involved with someone that I should not have been with - but was.  I was dependent, insecure, destructive, jealous, and weak. Looking at it now, I can't even imagine myself. Anyway, I can't recall what we were talking about but I was leaning against the driver's window and the mother fucker told me to 'GO TO SLEEP HOE' and drove off. As he accelerated out of Oceana's parking lot, I chased after him. I chased after my car, on foot, in front of the entire Oceana student body. They watched and I ran as if I could catch up to him. I looked like a fool.

In college, I would get HOE written on my car while it was parked in the Serramonte parking lot.  It'd be foggy so someone would use their finger to write HOE on my window.  

I still get inappropriate texts from haters. Unbelievable.

Verbal inappropriateness shouldn't be tolerated, though it happens.  And I'm guilty of it myself, I admit. But I believe that being aware that it is disrespectful and unnecessary will help let it happen less. Help break the CYCLE.

STEALING - stories of an EX-theif

When I was 11, I felt the need to concentrate on my physical appearance to help me enhance my confidence. My adolescent life was fast, full of mischief, experimenting, and testing my limits. And physical appearance was key in middle school - especially at Pacific Heights. In 6th grade after our annual talent show rehearsal one day I felt low, ugly, and in need of some self fulfillment. Maybe it was because I wasn't getting any attention from the boy I liked. Or maybe my dance moves weren't up to par compared to the other girls. Or maybe I didn't feel pretty enough. Whatever it was, I needed a fix.

...I got off the 20J bus, walked to Payless Drug Store with a couple of my friends and jetted strait to the makeup section. Ma didn't want me to wear makeup. So I didn't have any. I wanted it. And there was something in my gut that was telling me that I needed to have it. I had $10 in my pocket - enough to buy it. BUT I grabbed a deep brown lip liner, like the one I saw Brandy wearing on CMC, tore the plastic off it, and stuck the liner into my backpack. To my surprise, I got caught.

If my grandpa didn't pick me up I would have went to Juvenile Hall. But it wouldn't be the beginning of my troubles with authorities. I stole lip liner. I learned my lesson. I was hard on myself for years. But I still stole other things in life - men, money, hearts, and clothes. Men was the worse. Money was small. Hearts kicked me in the ass. And clothes added to the garbage I'd accumulated in life.

So I don't steal anymore. My heart's finished with stealing. Karma visited me full force. And I'm certain that stealing is something I could do without. What I need is what I have and what I will find the right way. The rest is just baggage.

BlAST from the PAST 5

Monday, July 19, 2004

AFTER THE FACT... I don't think I've ever felt so secure in my life than I do in the present - which is extremely important becuase my insecurities pretty much controlled majority of my life. Although, I'm not the happiest I've ever been. But I guess it's because I finally found out the truth about the person that I love. For so many years I've never been one hundred percent sure about the things that Jay has done behind my back. Ever. I never even took the initiative to get the truth out of him because I was terrified of the damage that he was capable of doing, the hurt that it'd cause me, and the image of him that'd be ruined when I'd find out the truth. So I pretended that Jay was the perfect person who comforted and provided stability in my life, giving me love the way that I asked for it. And he even always said the things that I wanted to hear to keep me happy. In all the years that we were together, only two people - Mica Pasco and Romeo - told me anything about what Jay did that I did not know. And I am STILL in the dark about everything. There is nobody who tells me anything. Even my own brother cannot tell the truth. But it's okay. What do you think about that Jay? I do not know anything. But it's okay. So for years, I had so many insecurities because of the way that I lived my life. These insecurities ruined my relationship with Jay and he loved me less and less. Anyway, I guess by opening my mouth, I knew that the truth would come out - the truth about the kind of person Jay really was. The side of him that I never really got to see, the side that everybody knew but me. The side that was hidden from me. But I really had to find out for myself. Even us being broken up, Jay would still be able to light up my day. He would still be able to put a smile on my face, help me out, or call me when he'd do something stupid. He'd surprise me and when we'd be together, things would be liked they'd never changed. Like it was still Stephanie and Jay - RUSTY forever; cause that's exactly what we were. But I had to find out for myself that he was the person that I didn't want him to be. The truth would be my incentive to detach myself from the life that I live with Jay. It'd be the beginning of the life that I would forever live. And I was right. I found out the truth about Jay. I'm sorry about the way that I did it. I just wanted to keep Jay as long as I could, hold him every second I'd get, every second that he'd let me. But it's okay. Even though I've finally figured out the truth, it'll be okay. I understand Jay. I understand that that's the way you are. And I finally accept it. I forgive you for everything that you've done to hurt me and it's the pain that I've caused you that hurts me. And it's the things that I've done that have ruined you that kills me. And I have to live with that feeling for the rest of my life because I love you. But it's okay Jay. I hope you realize that you don't have to do this forever. You really don't. You never even have to ever do it again - especially after this time. Things like this don't even ever have to happen. And I know you already know that. You will always be important to me no matter what. You've contributed to my development, my character, and my point of view on things. You've enforced pain, conflict, and heartache in my life, draining all of my energy in every way possible. You've provided companionship like no other, unconditional support, patience, and stablity through your continuous love. You've challenged me, enabled me to love someone more than I'd love myself or anyone ever close to me. And I thank you for growing with me side by side for the past seven years, for being the person that knows me better that I know myself, and for teaching me everything that you have - even up to our last fight. You definitely are one in a million. But now I know the truth about you; the side that I never wanted to believe, the side that I prayed to God every night that you never were. I always thought it in the back of my head. Now I know. Now, I still pray for you every night, you know that. But now our lives will never cross paths again. Good luck with everything that you do. I believe in your success, your determination, and your ability to make what you want possible. You really can; in everything that you do. Your aggressive personality will enable you to be a very powerful person in so many ways. Use it to your advantage and to the advantage of those who are close to you. Communication is the key. I didn't mean to mess your life up. Deep down inside, you know. You know why I did everything. Now things will be better and healthier for the both of us. The possiblity of us being together is slim to none. No more hurting each other ever. I know you're mad. The maddest you've probably ever been. But I had to stop the way that we were. And this is the best way because now...there's no going back, there can never be a Jay and Stephanie - even if we ever wanted there to be. Not after this one. GOODBYE. Happiness is finally getting closer