BlAST from the PAST 5

Monday, July 19, 2004

AFTER THE FACT... I don't think I've ever felt so secure in my life than I do in the present - which is extremely important becuase my insecurities pretty much controlled majority of my life. Although, I'm not the happiest I've ever been. But I guess it's because I finally found out the truth about the person that I love. For so many years I've never been one hundred percent sure about the things that Jay has done behind my back. Ever. I never even took the initiative to get the truth out of him because I was terrified of the damage that he was capable of doing, the hurt that it'd cause me, and the image of him that'd be ruined when I'd find out the truth. So I pretended that Jay was the perfect person who comforted and provided stability in my life, giving me love the way that I asked for it. And he even always said the things that I wanted to hear to keep me happy. In all the years that we were together, only two people - Mica Pasco and Romeo - told me anything about what Jay did that I did not know. And I am STILL in the dark about everything. There is nobody who tells me anything. Even my own brother cannot tell the truth. But it's okay. What do you think about that Jay? I do not know anything. But it's okay. So for years, I had so many insecurities because of the way that I lived my life. These insecurities ruined my relationship with Jay and he loved me less and less. Anyway, I guess by opening my mouth, I knew that the truth would come out - the truth about the kind of person Jay really was. The side of him that I never really got to see, the side that everybody knew but me. The side that was hidden from me. But I really had to find out for myself. Even us being broken up, Jay would still be able to light up my day. He would still be able to put a smile on my face, help me out, or call me when he'd do something stupid. He'd surprise me and when we'd be together, things would be liked they'd never changed. Like it was still Stephanie and Jay - RUSTY forever; cause that's exactly what we were. But I had to find out for myself that he was the person that I didn't want him to be. The truth would be my incentive to detach myself from the life that I live with Jay. It'd be the beginning of the life that I would forever live. And I was right. I found out the truth about Jay. I'm sorry about the way that I did it. I just wanted to keep Jay as long as I could, hold him every second I'd get, every second that he'd let me. But it's okay. Even though I've finally figured out the truth, it'll be okay. I understand Jay. I understand that that's the way you are. And I finally accept it. I forgive you for everything that you've done to hurt me and it's the pain that I've caused you that hurts me. And it's the things that I've done that have ruined you that kills me. And I have to live with that feeling for the rest of my life because I love you. But it's okay Jay. I hope you realize that you don't have to do this forever. You really don't. You never even have to ever do it again - especially after this time. Things like this don't even ever have to happen. And I know you already know that. You will always be important to me no matter what. You've contributed to my development, my character, and my point of view on things. You've enforced pain, conflict, and heartache in my life, draining all of my energy in every way possible. You've provided companionship like no other, unconditional support, patience, and stablity through your continuous love. You've challenged me, enabled me to love someone more than I'd love myself or anyone ever close to me. And I thank you for growing with me side by side for the past seven years, for being the person that knows me better that I know myself, and for teaching me everything that you have - even up to our last fight. You definitely are one in a million. But now I know the truth about you; the side that I never wanted to believe, the side that I prayed to God every night that you never were. I always thought it in the back of my head. Now I know. Now, I still pray for you every night, you know that. But now our lives will never cross paths again. Good luck with everything that you do. I believe in your success, your determination, and your ability to make what you want possible. You really can; in everything that you do. Your aggressive personality will enable you to be a very powerful person in so many ways. Use it to your advantage and to the advantage of those who are close to you. Communication is the key. I didn't mean to mess your life up. Deep down inside, you know. You know why I did everything. Now things will be better and healthier for the both of us. The possiblity of us being together is slim to none. No more hurting each other ever. I know you're mad. The maddest you've probably ever been. But I had to stop the way that we were. And this is the best way because now...there's no going back, there can never be a Jay and Stephanie - even if we ever wanted there to be. Not after this one. GOODBYE. Happiness is finally getting closer