It's amazing how an object, a place, or a thought can connect two people

It's amazing how an object, a place,  or a thought can connect two people. It can even remind you of them when they're gone.

The bus stop on Hickey and Gateway reminds me of my grandpa. He took the bus everywhere. He walked to the bus stop, paid his $.35 to get on the 20J, and ride to Serramonte. Or he would take the bus to Greyhound and escape to Reno for a day.  I would even see him there as I walked home from school, waiting for the bus; waiting to get to wherever he was going.  When I pass by that particular bus stop, I still feel him.

I used to watch the waves at the Pacifica Pier with a beautiful man.  We would go there and bask in the beauty of the water as it hit up against the pier. The water would be so powerful some days. And flat other days. But we would go, just to go. Sometimes we'd talk. Other times, not. He's gone now. And I often watch the waves to be close to him.

I'm a child at heart. I try and show it in my smile. And I love the kids that are involved in my life. I live for them, until I have my own. I do. And I'm sometimes far from the ones I love. So when I miss them, I think of a park. I think of a time when I played in the park with them. And I remember it and play it out in my head.  And I begin to feel them near me and feel the connection we have even if I'm in LA.  And I'm ok.

I've loss people in my life. I'm far from people I love. And I struggle inside. So I find something, anything that connects us just so I could be near them.   Sometimes it's the best that I'll get, the only thing that will remind me that that person was real in my life.  I love them.  Sometimes it's just perfect to fill the void.

Be PRESENT

Life is full of ups and downs.
Things happen.
Time goes on and on.

Hearts break during breakups.  CRY so you feel the pain.

People laugh with friends about funny things they share.   LAUGH until your cheeks ache.

Beautiful babies are born out of love. Embrace life and how powerful its creation is.

The drums call you. SO dance from inside. Bring movement to life.

Gun shots are fired.  People get robbed.  Dogs die. People die.

Be present in it all to really live and feel the things that happen.

After Hours

I did dirt. I admit. After hours dirt. Waiting for his phone call after 1:00am kind of dirt.  Watching out extra for the text or the call.  I looked forward to it. I had no expectation of how long it was going to last. I didn't even think about what he really thought about me, or if he even cared to know the real me. There was something about the drive there that felt conniving; as if I had to wear all black and turn off my headlights as I pulled up to his drive.  But my Celica's lights never turn off.

I was in touch with myself fully and knew what I wanted.  I didn't want more. I knew exactly what I was doing. I'd get the call, drive over, do dirt, and leave in the morning and go about my day.  It was a thrill. I felt a part of womanhood that I never knew existed. Whether it was wrong or right, it happened.  And it happened after hours. It happens to people. To men. To women.

It happens after hours.
...but it never stays like that forever...

PekPekPower

I hate HOOTERS

At 19 years old I could not control the rage that boiled inside of me. I was destructive, insecure, irrational, and emotionally unstable.  I was dangerous - ALL because of the anger and sadness that manifested inside of me through years of being a wreck - a train wreck that paralyzed my body and my brain making me non functional. I was involved with a boy, knee deep. It was an unhealthy relationship and I was terrified of myself.

One night, I received an unexpected phone call from an acquaintance which was a friend of my boy. It was disturbing, direct, and surreal. Let's just say my boy did some dirt and Mr. acquaintance spilled the beans. I was furious, devastated, and hurt. I confronted the situation and my boy denied it. I let it go and stayed with him, knowing in the back of my head that he was lying.

...we had a trip to Hawaii planned with our close friend and I took my feelings out on him because I wasn't mature enough to confront the situation.  It was still bothering me.

It was a hell in paradise.  I was jealous the moment he glanced at another girl and threw him attitude that cut like a knife.  The second another girl talked to him, I snarled.  I was a pro at being passive aggressive and did everything in my power to make him miserable.  It was out of impulse.  I was on fire.  And he didn't help the situation in any way.

After snorkeling and looking at fish, we were starving. And being hyper thyroid, a hungry Steph is NOT pleasant to be around. I felt my blood boiling. I was hot and ill tempered. I thought about what he did and imagined the dirt specifically. I played it out in my head and looked at him in disgust, talked to him disrespectful, and gave him the cold shoulder.  My imagination is quite vivid and gets me into a lot trouble.   I couldn't contribute to finding lunch so I sat my ass in the back of the car and HOOTERs became the desired destination.

Why would I want to go to a restaurant that was featured on Love and Marriage as babe magnet central? Why would insecure Steph want to go to some place where there were beautiful Hooters women when I had low self esteem because my boy didn't want just me?  

I sat directly in back of him so he could hear me breathing deep.  I dug my fists deep into the back of his chair and punched the small of his back, repeatedly until I felt his ribs. And I would come close to his ear and snarl "I don't want to go to Hooters". I'd punch him using the pain and anger inside of me. We got to Hooters and I took my chair and faced it outside of the table, excluding myself, acting like I lost my appetite when in fact I was low on sugar and food I felt like fainting. But my hard ass, acted a fool. After being ignored, I left. And wandered so that I wouldn't be found.

He found me and cussed me out all the way to the hotel. I wouldn't have it. I separated myself from the group and wandered around Waikiki for a couple hours praying for a way out, praying for help, and hoping to find the strength in myself to end the relationship.  I was insecure, acted on impulse, and would do inappropriate things.  Love wasn't supposed to be crazy, not the love I wanted to have with a man. And I contributed to the crazy. I was terrified.

I went back to the hotel and my luggage threw up my entire Hawaii wardrobe.  Bathing suits, bras, panties, shirts, skirts EVERYTHING was all over our room.  He scattered my belongings as if I were scum. I was finished, finished with it all.

Long story short - I contributed to the craziness. I stayed with him after we had problems but I didn't give him a fair chance to be with me because I was caught in the past - I was caught up in the dirt.

I chose to stay after I confronted him but I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt.  I contributed to the cycle. In fact, I was the driving force.

Now, I realize it all. It's nuts.

If you stay with your man after the dirt OR after you hear some shit about him doing dirt give him a fair chance to be with you because you could loose him and easily loose yourself.

(p.s. this isn't the first time I went through something like this. I had to go through it a number of times in my relationships to really appreciate the lesson today)

...go to sleep hoe...

I've been called a lot of names by boys and girls in my life - bitch, hoe, slut, asshole, etc; disrespected verbally by people who think that talking inappropriately is normal and okay to do.   I knew it wasn't right to tolerate it - despite whether or not I contributed to the drama; but only till the last 5 years of my life did I really realize that there are good men (people) out there that can treat you right and talk to you without disrespecting you when they're upset.  It's possible.  I believe it.  I was just surrounding myself with people who naturally weren't mature enough to deal with their feelings or were just raised in an environment that tolerated that.  They would turn situations negative because they couldn't communicate otherwise.  And I wasn't mature enough to deal with it appropriately. So I contributed to the cycle.

I was a senior in high school and had to stay after school for rally rehearsal.  I let the boy I was in love with take my car and my brother home.  It was something I did. This was a time in my life where I was fully involved with someone that I should not have been with - but was.  I was dependent, insecure, destructive, jealous, and weak. Looking at it now, I can't even imagine myself. Anyway, I can't recall what we were talking about but I was leaning against the driver's window and the mother fucker told me to 'GO TO SLEEP HOE' and drove off. As he accelerated out of Oceana's parking lot, I chased after him. I chased after my car, on foot, in front of the entire Oceana student body. They watched and I ran as if I could catch up to him. I looked like a fool.

In college, I would get HOE written on my car while it was parked in the Serramonte parking lot.  It'd be foggy so someone would use their finger to write HOE on my window.  

I still get inappropriate texts from haters. Unbelievable.

Verbal inappropriateness shouldn't be tolerated, though it happens.  And I'm guilty of it myself, I admit. But I believe that being aware that it is disrespectful and unnecessary will help let it happen less. Help break the CYCLE.

STEALING - stories of an EX-theif

When I was 11, I felt the need to concentrate on my physical appearance to help me enhance my confidence. My adolescent life was fast, full of mischief, experimenting, and testing my limits. And physical appearance was key in middle school - especially at Pacific Heights. In 6th grade after our annual talent show rehearsal one day I felt low, ugly, and in need of some self fulfillment. Maybe it was because I wasn't getting any attention from the boy I liked. Or maybe my dance moves weren't up to par compared to the other girls. Or maybe I didn't feel pretty enough. Whatever it was, I needed a fix.

...I got off the 20J bus, walked to Payless Drug Store with a couple of my friends and jetted strait to the makeup section. Ma didn't want me to wear makeup. So I didn't have any. I wanted it. And there was something in my gut that was telling me that I needed to have it. I had $10 in my pocket - enough to buy it. BUT I grabbed a deep brown lip liner, like the one I saw Brandy wearing on CMC, tore the plastic off it, and stuck the liner into my backpack. To my surprise, I got caught.

If my grandpa didn't pick me up I would have went to Juvenile Hall. But it wouldn't be the beginning of my troubles with authorities. I stole lip liner. I learned my lesson. I was hard on myself for years. But I still stole other things in life - men, money, hearts, and clothes. Men was the worse. Money was small. Hearts kicked me in the ass. And clothes added to the garbage I'd accumulated in life.

So I don't steal anymore. My heart's finished with stealing. Karma visited me full force. And I'm certain that stealing is something I could do without. What I need is what I have and what I will find the right way. The rest is just baggage.