At 19 years old I could not control the rage that boiled inside of me. I was destructive, insecure, irrational, and emotionally unstable. I was dangerous - ALL because of the anger and sadness that manifested inside of me through years of being a wreck - a train wreck that paralyzed my body and my brain making me non functional. I was involved with a boy, knee deep. It was an unhealthy relationship and I was terrified of myself.
One night, I received an unexpected phone call from an acquaintance which was a friend of my boy. It was disturbing, direct, and surreal. Let's just say my boy did some dirt and Mr. acquaintance spilled the beans. I was furious, devastated, and hurt. I confronted the situation and my boy denied it. I let it go and stayed with him, knowing in the back of my head that he was lying.
...we had a trip to Hawaii planned with our close friend and I took my feelings out on him because I wasn't mature enough to confront the situation. It was still bothering me.
It was a hell in paradise. I was jealous the moment he glanced at another girl and threw him attitude that cut like a knife. The second another girl talked to him, I snarled. I was a pro at being passive aggressive and did everything in my power to make him miserable. It was out of impulse. I was on fire. And he didn't help the situation in any way.
After snorkeling and looking at fish, we were starving. And being hyper thyroid, a hungry Steph is NOT pleasant to be around. I felt my blood boiling. I was hot and ill tempered. I thought about what he did and imagined the dirt specifically. I played it out in my head and looked at him in disgust, talked to him disrespectful, and gave him the cold shoulder. My imagination is quite vivid and gets me into a lot trouble. I couldn't contribute to finding lunch so I sat my ass in the back of the car and HOOTERs became the desired destination.
Why would I want to go to a restaurant that was featured on Love and Marriage as babe magnet central? Why would insecure Steph want to go to some place where there were beautiful Hooters women when I had low self esteem because my boy didn't want just me?
I sat directly in back of him so he could hear me breathing deep. I dug my fists deep into the back of his chair and punched the small of his back, repeatedly until I felt his ribs. And I would come close to his ear and snarl "I don't want to go to Hooters". I'd punch him using the pain and anger inside of me. We got to Hooters and I took my chair and faced it outside of the table, excluding myself, acting like I lost my appetite when in fact I was low on sugar and food I felt like fainting. But my hard ass, acted a fool. After being ignored, I left. And wandered so that I wouldn't be found.
He found me and cussed me out all the way to the hotel. I wouldn't have it. I separated myself from the group and wandered around Waikiki for a couple hours praying for a way out, praying for help, and hoping to find the strength in myself to end the relationship. I was insecure, acted on impulse, and would do inappropriate things. Love wasn't supposed to be crazy, not the love I wanted to have with a man. And I contributed to the crazy. I was terrified.
I went back to the hotel and my luggage threw up my entire Hawaii wardrobe. Bathing suits, bras, panties, shirts, skirts EVERYTHING was all over our room. He scattered my belongings as if I were scum. I was finished, finished with it all.
Long story short - I contributed to the craziness. I stayed with him after we had problems but I didn't give him a fair chance to be with me because I was caught in the past - I was caught up in the dirt.
I chose to stay after I confronted him but I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt. I contributed to the cycle. In fact, I was the driving force.
Now, I realize it all. It's nuts.
If you stay with your man after the dirt OR after you hear some shit about him doing dirt give him a fair chance to be with you because you could loose him and easily loose yourself.
(p.s. this isn't the first time I went through something like this. I had to go through it a number of times in my relationships to really appreciate the lesson today)
