All I want Is You - Miguel Jontel

It's amazing how an object, a place, or a thought can connect two people

It's amazing how an object, a place,  or a thought can connect two people. It can even remind you of them when they're gone.

The bus stop on Hickey and Gateway reminds me of my grandpa. He took the bus everywhere. He walked to the bus stop, paid his $.35 to get on the 20J, and ride to Serramonte. Or he would take the bus to Greyhound and escape to Reno for a day.  I would even see him there as I walked home from school, waiting for the bus; waiting to get to wherever he was going.  When I pass by that particular bus stop, I still feel him.

I used to watch the waves at the Pacifica Pier with a beautiful man.  We would go there and bask in the beauty of the water as it hit up against the pier. The water would be so powerful some days. And flat other days. But we would go, just to go. Sometimes we'd talk. Other times, not. He's gone now. And I often watch the waves to be close to him.

I'm a child at heart. I try and show it in my smile. And I love the kids that are involved in my life. I live for them, until I have my own. I do. And I'm sometimes far from the ones I love. So when I miss them, I think of a park. I think of a time when I played in the park with them. And I remember it and play it out in my head.  And I begin to feel them near me and feel the connection we have even if I'm in LA.  And I'm ok.

I've loss people in my life. I'm far from people I love. And I struggle inside. So I find something, anything that connects us just so I could be near them.   Sometimes it's the best that I'll get, the only thing that will remind me that that person was real in my life.  I love them.  Sometimes it's just perfect to fill the void.

Be PRESENT

Life is full of ups and downs.
Things happen.
Time goes on and on.

Hearts break during breakups.  CRY so you feel the pain.

People laugh with friends about funny things they share.   LAUGH until your cheeks ache.

Beautiful babies are born out of love. Embrace life and how powerful its creation is.

The drums call you. SO dance from inside. Bring movement to life.

Gun shots are fired.  People get robbed.  Dogs die. People die.

Be present in it all to really live and feel the things that happen.

After Hours

I did dirt. I admit. After hours dirt. Waiting for his phone call after 1:00am kind of dirt.  Watching out extra for the text or the call.  I looked forward to it. I had no expectation of how long it was going to last. I didn't even think about what he really thought about me, or if he even cared to know the real me. There was something about the drive there that felt conniving; as if I had to wear all black and turn off my headlights as I pulled up to his drive.  But my Celica's lights never turn off.

I was in touch with myself fully and knew what I wanted.  I didn't want more. I knew exactly what I was doing. I'd get the call, drive over, do dirt, and leave in the morning and go about my day.  It was a thrill. I felt a part of womanhood that I never knew existed. Whether it was wrong or right, it happened.  And it happened after hours. It happens to people. To men. To women.

It happens after hours.
...but it never stays like that forever...

PekPekPower

I hate HOOTERS

At 19 years old I could not control the rage that boiled inside of me. I was destructive, insecure, irrational, and emotionally unstable.  I was dangerous - ALL because of the anger and sadness that manifested inside of me through years of being a wreck - a train wreck that paralyzed my body and my brain making me non functional. I was involved with a boy, knee deep. It was an unhealthy relationship and I was terrified of myself.

One night, I received an unexpected phone call from an acquaintance which was a friend of my boy. It was disturbing, direct, and surreal. Let's just say my boy did some dirt and Mr. acquaintance spilled the beans. I was furious, devastated, and hurt. I confronted the situation and my boy denied it. I let it go and stayed with him, knowing in the back of my head that he was lying.

...we had a trip to Hawaii planned with our close friend and I took my feelings out on him because I wasn't mature enough to confront the situation.  It was still bothering me.

It was a hell in paradise.  I was jealous the moment he glanced at another girl and threw him attitude that cut like a knife.  The second another girl talked to him, I snarled.  I was a pro at being passive aggressive and did everything in my power to make him miserable.  It was out of impulse.  I was on fire.  And he didn't help the situation in any way.

After snorkeling and looking at fish, we were starving. And being hyper thyroid, a hungry Steph is NOT pleasant to be around. I felt my blood boiling. I was hot and ill tempered. I thought about what he did and imagined the dirt specifically. I played it out in my head and looked at him in disgust, talked to him disrespectful, and gave him the cold shoulder.  My imagination is quite vivid and gets me into a lot trouble.   I couldn't contribute to finding lunch so I sat my ass in the back of the car and HOOTERs became the desired destination.

Why would I want to go to a restaurant that was featured on Love and Marriage as babe magnet central? Why would insecure Steph want to go to some place where there were beautiful Hooters women when I had low self esteem because my boy didn't want just me?  

I sat directly in back of him so he could hear me breathing deep.  I dug my fists deep into the back of his chair and punched the small of his back, repeatedly until I felt his ribs. And I would come close to his ear and snarl "I don't want to go to Hooters". I'd punch him using the pain and anger inside of me. We got to Hooters and I took my chair and faced it outside of the table, excluding myself, acting like I lost my appetite when in fact I was low on sugar and food I felt like fainting. But my hard ass, acted a fool. After being ignored, I left. And wandered so that I wouldn't be found.

He found me and cussed me out all the way to the hotel. I wouldn't have it. I separated myself from the group and wandered around Waikiki for a couple hours praying for a way out, praying for help, and hoping to find the strength in myself to end the relationship.  I was insecure, acted on impulse, and would do inappropriate things.  Love wasn't supposed to be crazy, not the love I wanted to have with a man. And I contributed to the crazy. I was terrified.

I went back to the hotel and my luggage threw up my entire Hawaii wardrobe.  Bathing suits, bras, panties, shirts, skirts EVERYTHING was all over our room.  He scattered my belongings as if I were scum. I was finished, finished with it all.

Long story short - I contributed to the craziness. I stayed with him after we had problems but I didn't give him a fair chance to be with me because I was caught in the past - I was caught up in the dirt.

I chose to stay after I confronted him but I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt.  I contributed to the cycle. In fact, I was the driving force.

Now, I realize it all. It's nuts.

If you stay with your man after the dirt OR after you hear some shit about him doing dirt give him a fair chance to be with you because you could loose him and easily loose yourself.

(p.s. this isn't the first time I went through something like this. I had to go through it a number of times in my relationships to really appreciate the lesson today)

...go to sleep hoe...

I've been called a lot of names by boys and girls in my life - bitch, hoe, slut, asshole, etc; disrespected verbally by people who think that talking inappropriately is normal and okay to do.   I knew it wasn't right to tolerate it - despite whether or not I contributed to the drama; but only till the last 5 years of my life did I really realize that there are good men (people) out there that can treat you right and talk to you without disrespecting you when they're upset.  It's possible.  I believe it.  I was just surrounding myself with people who naturally weren't mature enough to deal with their feelings or were just raised in an environment that tolerated that.  They would turn situations negative because they couldn't communicate otherwise.  And I wasn't mature enough to deal with it appropriately. So I contributed to the cycle.

I was a senior in high school and had to stay after school for rally rehearsal.  I let the boy I was in love with take my car and my brother home.  It was something I did. This was a time in my life where I was fully involved with someone that I should not have been with - but was.  I was dependent, insecure, destructive, jealous, and weak. Looking at it now, I can't even imagine myself. Anyway, I can't recall what we were talking about but I was leaning against the driver's window and the mother fucker told me to 'GO TO SLEEP HOE' and drove off. As he accelerated out of Oceana's parking lot, I chased after him. I chased after my car, on foot, in front of the entire Oceana student body. They watched and I ran as if I could catch up to him. I looked like a fool.

In college, I would get HOE written on my car while it was parked in the Serramonte parking lot.  It'd be foggy so someone would use their finger to write HOE on my window.  

I still get inappropriate texts from haters. Unbelievable.

Verbal inappropriateness shouldn't be tolerated, though it happens.  And I'm guilty of it myself, I admit. But I believe that being aware that it is disrespectful and unnecessary will help let it happen less. Help break the CYCLE.

STEALING - stories of an EX-theif

When I was 11, I felt the need to concentrate on my physical appearance to help me enhance my confidence. My adolescent life was fast, full of mischief, experimenting, and testing my limits. And physical appearance was key in middle school - especially at Pacific Heights. In 6th grade after our annual talent show rehearsal one day I felt low, ugly, and in need of some self fulfillment. Maybe it was because I wasn't getting any attention from the boy I liked. Or maybe my dance moves weren't up to par compared to the other girls. Or maybe I didn't feel pretty enough. Whatever it was, I needed a fix.

...I got off the 20J bus, walked to Payless Drug Store with a couple of my friends and jetted strait to the makeup section. Ma didn't want me to wear makeup. So I didn't have any. I wanted it. And there was something in my gut that was telling me that I needed to have it. I had $10 in my pocket - enough to buy it. BUT I grabbed a deep brown lip liner, like the one I saw Brandy wearing on CMC, tore the plastic off it, and stuck the liner into my backpack. To my surprise, I got caught.

If my grandpa didn't pick me up I would have went to Juvenile Hall. But it wouldn't be the beginning of my troubles with authorities. I stole lip liner. I learned my lesson. I was hard on myself for years. But I still stole other things in life - men, money, hearts, and clothes. Men was the worse. Money was small. Hearts kicked me in the ass. And clothes added to the garbage I'd accumulated in life.

So I don't steal anymore. My heart's finished with stealing. Karma visited me full force. And I'm certain that stealing is something I could do without. What I need is what I have and what I will find the right way. The rest is just baggage.

BlAST from the PAST 5

Monday, July 19, 2004

AFTER THE FACT... I don't think I've ever felt so secure in my life than I do in the present - which is extremely important becuase my insecurities pretty much controlled majority of my life. Although, I'm not the happiest I've ever been. But I guess it's because I finally found out the truth about the person that I love. For so many years I've never been one hundred percent sure about the things that Jay has done behind my back. Ever. I never even took the initiative to get the truth out of him because I was terrified of the damage that he was capable of doing, the hurt that it'd cause me, and the image of him that'd be ruined when I'd find out the truth. So I pretended that Jay was the perfect person who comforted and provided stability in my life, giving me love the way that I asked for it. And he even always said the things that I wanted to hear to keep me happy. In all the years that we were together, only two people - Mica Pasco and Romeo - told me anything about what Jay did that I did not know. And I am STILL in the dark about everything. There is nobody who tells me anything. Even my own brother cannot tell the truth. But it's okay. What do you think about that Jay? I do not know anything. But it's okay. So for years, I had so many insecurities because of the way that I lived my life. These insecurities ruined my relationship with Jay and he loved me less and less. Anyway, I guess by opening my mouth, I knew that the truth would come out - the truth about the kind of person Jay really was. The side of him that I never really got to see, the side that everybody knew but me. The side that was hidden from me. But I really had to find out for myself. Even us being broken up, Jay would still be able to light up my day. He would still be able to put a smile on my face, help me out, or call me when he'd do something stupid. He'd surprise me and when we'd be together, things would be liked they'd never changed. Like it was still Stephanie and Jay - RUSTY forever; cause that's exactly what we were. But I had to find out for myself that he was the person that I didn't want him to be. The truth would be my incentive to detach myself from the life that I live with Jay. It'd be the beginning of the life that I would forever live. And I was right. I found out the truth about Jay. I'm sorry about the way that I did it. I just wanted to keep Jay as long as I could, hold him every second I'd get, every second that he'd let me. But it's okay. Even though I've finally figured out the truth, it'll be okay. I understand Jay. I understand that that's the way you are. And I finally accept it. I forgive you for everything that you've done to hurt me and it's the pain that I've caused you that hurts me. And it's the things that I've done that have ruined you that kills me. And I have to live with that feeling for the rest of my life because I love you. But it's okay Jay. I hope you realize that you don't have to do this forever. You really don't. You never even have to ever do it again - especially after this time. Things like this don't even ever have to happen. And I know you already know that. You will always be important to me no matter what. You've contributed to my development, my character, and my point of view on things. You've enforced pain, conflict, and heartache in my life, draining all of my energy in every way possible. You've provided companionship like no other, unconditional support, patience, and stablity through your continuous love. You've challenged me, enabled me to love someone more than I'd love myself or anyone ever close to me. And I thank you for growing with me side by side for the past seven years, for being the person that knows me better that I know myself, and for teaching me everything that you have - even up to our last fight. You definitely are one in a million. But now I know the truth about you; the side that I never wanted to believe, the side that I prayed to God every night that you never were. I always thought it in the back of my head. Now I know. Now, I still pray for you every night, you know that. But now our lives will never cross paths again. Good luck with everything that you do. I believe in your success, your determination, and your ability to make what you want possible. You really can; in everything that you do. Your aggressive personality will enable you to be a very powerful person in so many ways. Use it to your advantage and to the advantage of those who are close to you. Communication is the key. I didn't mean to mess your life up. Deep down inside, you know. You know why I did everything. Now things will be better and healthier for the both of us. The possiblity of us being together is slim to none. No more hurting each other ever. I know you're mad. The maddest you've probably ever been. But I had to stop the way that we were. And this is the best way because now...there's no going back, there can never be a Jay and Stephanie - even if we ever wanted there to be. Not after this one. GOODBYE. Happiness is finally getting closer

BLAST from the PAST 4

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Friendship is one of the most important things in life. Close relationships help me grow because they provide support, guidance, and love in so many different ways. Having friends enables me to give myself to people in many ways, to share what I know, to learn what they know, to be involved in their lives. From the closest friend that I have, to those who are aquiantances or enemies...every person I know in any way, has contributed to my character, has affected me in some way little or big. Some more than others, but definitely, every person in this world that I know has played a crucial part in my life. I only have a handful though who would, with no doubt, be by my side any second for any reason. And I am truly grateful for those few people. I cry because of a stupid testimonial on friendster Michelle writes me. I get furious because Annie confronts me about how much of a bitch I am. Shit like that. I could go weeks without talking to them and still be so connected and patient with them. I adore each and everyone of them in so many ways. But there are times when friends may hurt each other. And I think I'm dying inside because of something like this. I did not even know the situation was how it was until it was too late - until it was too late for me to do anything, too late for me to say anything, too late to say my reasons for why I acted the way I did. And my heart hurts deeply because of it. There's no pain like the hurt you feel from a friend who you love so much. Now I'm ashamed, guilty, feeling at fault, angry things are the way that they are. I tell myself all the things I should have done to show how much I honestly care everyday. No excuses are good enough, I know and it sure doesn't show I care. But how am I supposed to know how the other one feels? I'm SORRY. That's all I could say. I'm so ashamed I can't even talk about it. I'm so crushed, I can't even confront it. I'm so hurt, I can't even believe it's like this. I'm too pussy, xanga's the only place I'll ever get near to ever talking about it. People fuck up. I really don't know what to do and I'm afraid that nothing is really going to be done because it's too late. But, it's supposed to be never too late right...it's supposed to be better late than never right. But how does that work when I don't think I even have another chance. This is really killing me inside

BLAST from the PAST 3

Sunday, December 26, 2004

Another Christmas has finally passed and in a matter of days, my 20th year of living life will fly by and a new year will begin. It honestly has been the hardest year of my entire life. Unfortunately, I've lost a lot this year - the person I loved the most - ever, a close friend I cherish deeply, and a series of oppurtunities that could have made me a better person. As I reflect on these things, I realize the importance of life. The pain that I've felt this year cannot compare to anything that I've ever felt in life. The feeling dwells inside of me at the pit of my heart, but yet, it amazes me how I've been able to continue and live my life. I've learned many things that have enabled me to live life this year. The energy that explodes out of me through dance, music, and art comes from the hurt I've caused and experienced from Jay. What people see in me today in my personality comes from everything that I've ever wanted to be in a person. My aggressiveness in everything that I do and accomplish comes from the inside of my soul - portraying my true feelings - my true self. It's crazy how I've changed. People like to look at me and judge me for what they see or think. A lot of the time they're right, because being that my personality's really strong - shit's true. But when people say things about me, they should say things that I am - not what they think I am without even knowing. I'm not a SLUT and never have been in my life. Tell me something I know. My definition of SLUT is a hoe; somone who fucks around, a girl that's easy, available to guys. I might have given myself to someone for the wrong reasons recently, and made things happen, but it's only the one person I always been with. But, the word for that definitely isn't a SLUT, come up with something else please. I'm not a bitch - but I will be only if u fuck with me in any way - then it's true. I don't use people for cheap trips to Hawaii and I never fuckin' have. Talk to me first before shit gets said. I mean, people are really entitled to their own opinion, but wouldn't it be more valid if they questioned the validity of their remarks or opinions, so there's reason to say things that are said? I don't understand. But above all the negative things that have happened to me, I've been able to experience so much. I've really developed deep and intense relationships with my friends, the people I love. I have been able to get to know people because of my interest in their lives and their interest in mine. I am so fortunate to have the friends I have who appreciate the things that I do. I'm lucky to be able to strip myself of any insecurity I have of myself, just to be my true self in their presence. I've learned to be alone and really feel - really feel the things that I experience in my everyday life. Chocolate's never tasted any better. TO BE CONTINUED

BLAST from the PAST 2

Friday, February 25, 2005

Today was one of the worst days that I've had in a while. First, it seemed to start off as a good day because I slept in after a fun night with my family. But mornings for me never turn out good. There's something about the morning that makes me move in slow motion and shit just lags and I'm always always late - and my hair's a mess, even if it's straight. So, like always, I'm SUPER late to school. Class ends up being bullshit, like always. And dance just drags. My broke tooth needs work on because of all the candy I scarf down every hour. The dentists stick needles in my gums and my hard palate till I'm numb and dumb, drills the shit out of my tooth till she gets where she needs to be, and cuts savagely at my gums, squirting blood all over my face, and sews me up, stitches all noticeable and shit. The pain's unbearable and I'm soo hungry. And I'm just in such a bad mood because of this constant throbbing in the left side of my mouth. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's the first time I've written in here for over a month and all I have is a list of complaints, haha. I'm just canned because I missed dance tonight. It's one of the only places I love to express myself fully, take what's inside and channel it into an art. And I missed it 'cause of my broke tooth. It's also one in the morning and my ass has work at nine in the morning. I NEED A VACATION, haha. Plus there's this tension in me that I can't really figure out where it's at and what I need to do to relieve it. I mean, I don't really have any problems in my life directly, so nothing's really causing stress. School's never really anything to make me all crazy. Work's new so it's all good. Not enough partying? Sexual tension? Deprived of shopping? HAHA. I feel like this from time to time, then it passes - life goes on. It's probably because I haven't been eating chocolate cause of my broke tooth. Chocolate and ice creams always help. I was driving home from school today and Nothing Even Matters was in my CD player. And it's one of my favorite dances. So I'm driving on skyline and dancing and snapping, with face and all. And dude next to me in the other car is staring at me like crazy. Lukily I had my shades on so he wouldn't see me directly lookin' in his eyes. It's not like he never did that shit before. I know everybody be actin' superstarry in their car - it's not just me. I see them and clown the hell outta them in my head. THINGS THAT HAPPENED SINCE I LAST WROTE HERE: SNOWBOARD. Got CHASED by a SKUNK. Broke MY PINKY nail OFF. Experienced what a PANTY DROPPER can do to a girl (EXACTLY THAT), YOSHI'S night of fun. HANGOVERS. GOT A JOB. MADE it routine to go to BLUSH - even on non-crackin' nights. MADE barnes and noble my second home. REALIZED how much i miss CSM and hate SKYLINE. Completed almost two TAPIOCA EXPRESS frequent buyer cards. Realized how HAPPY i am. Had A SUCKY valentine's day. BAD HAIR DAYS because of the stupid red i fuckin' put in it. DROPPED my 930 class cause i was always an hour late. Danced HELLA. So I watched sexy Will Smith in HITCH and walked out of the movie theatre thinking about relationships. I like the movie. But all night I was thinking about two things: 1. Fate and 2. Taking the initiate to make things happen. Now this was the night Nate, Fro, and me got chased by a skunk on Beachview. And those guys were on something because they were the ones talkin about love first and how things could happen because of FATE or taking the initiate to make love happen - believe it or not. And it's always interesting to hear the opposite sex's opinion about love. But what is it? Are we supposed to wait and let life take it's course, providing us with things that 'are meant to be' or are we supposed to jump at opportunities and make something out of it? Fro believes in making things happen because you're the only one who'll decide your own fate. And Nate believes in waiting for the right person to find you, cause there was somebody born for you. Deep shit, huh. I believe that's there's a comprise between the two and that both's possible. They both have a point. Interesting huh. I guess that's enough blabberin' for tonight. My tooth's yellin' for me to jump my ass into bed 'cause it's gonna be impossible for me to wake in the morning. It's hurting, a sign for me to head to bed, where it's nice and warm - time to dream, my favorite.

BLAST from the PAST 1

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Feelings may be the hardest thing to explain in words because of the complexity they bring to our lives. And sometimes feelings could be simple, easy to understand. I've experienced many feelings, as does every person existing does - but only now have been introduced to a new set, a new set of feelings that has opened my eyes. Everybody has a set plan of how they want their life to turn out. I want to finish school, find a good job, share my life with someone, and have kids to pass my knowledge on to. These are my main goals in life and in my mind, I'm anxious to get there. But the reality of life is that things really do not turn out the way you plan them to be. Three years ago, my life was totally different than what it is now. I was very insecure, but I wasn't lonely. I had someone to share myself with, but wasn't happy. I was partying too much but was lost in life and made many mistakes. I would never have thought that I would be where I am today in life. I'm lonely, but I'm secure about myself in so many ways. I'm so happy with life, but have no one to really share it with the way I deeply want to. I've learned from my mistakes and have found stablitiy in life and my surroundings. I believe I've come a long way and am grateful to God that he has helped me get where I am because I'm ready to face whatever comes my way. So, this week I've been introduced to a new set of feelings that has enabled me to reflect on my life. I've learned that tragic things can happen to people all the time. It may happen because of reason and it may happen due to accident. But it may happen. And whether it is deserved or not, it is a reality. And because of a tragedy, I've experienced feelings of sadness, pain, happiness, confusion, and anger. Thru this experience, I've learned several things about life. And deep in my heart I've felt things so deep. I've been able to tell myself to seriously change my life so that I could do good and spread love to others in some way. I've learned that I truly love certain people because of their influence in my life. And I've realized that I need to make them know that I feel for them this way before it's too late. Life is short. I've learned to appreciate the people who love me and give thanks to those who care about me. They love me for who I am, and I'm fortunate. Honestly. I've learned to let negativity go because it could cause unnecessary things to happen. Seriously. I've learned that I need to strengthen my relationships and rekindle old ones because the people involved in my life are important to me. They're why I am who I am. I've learned to cherish family because they will have a connection to me that others cannot. Blood is thicker than water. And I've learned that hatred can be an addiction that may make you into a person you don't want to be. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my life. And I don't want that to never be not known. I need to change a lot about me and am ready to look at my faults and accept the wrongs I've done. It'd be a start to livin' the new life I think would make a difference in many ways. The death of a friend has opened my eyes and has made me feel things that have been hard to deal with. Undescribable feelings of sadness has caused tears to fall from my eyes that cause a new kind of pain. And I'm so sorry this had to happen. I'm just fortunate enough to have several memories of him and am deeply effected by this tragedy. But I am very grateful for the lessons that I've learned in this time. I've realized that it is important to me to make changes in my life and do well. Again, I love the people who have helped me live my life so much. And there's really nothing better than just livin' life to the fullest, lovin' those who love you, and appreciating everything that comes your way. And if you've read thru this whole thing, thank you. This is something very important to me. RIP JUSTIN MENDOZA

NOHO SWAG

I've only started to process my move now. It's been almost two weeks since I've last woken up in Pacifica's moist, foggy, comforting home zone AND so much has changed.

Michelle and me have settled in. I've unpacked. Organized my closet. Picked a desk from IKEA. Dusted and pulled out my pictures of friends/family framed. Bought a paisley shower curtain. Cooked. Cleaned. Slept. Been to LMFAO's video shoot. SANG SANG SANG.

I've created a new home for myself here in North Hollywood.

I'm excited.

Stories soon to come. I'm itching to write and have TONS of stories to blog about.

...NOHO SWAG...

Noho SWAG...

...in my pants...

When I was 5, kids made fun of me in school. I looked different, acted different, and felt different- eyes bulged out my sockets, was off the walls bouncing with energy, and felt extraordinary special. I took medicine for my hyper thyroid everyday at lunch and was ashamed of it. One day, I pissed myself - in my skirt/jumper uniform and nude tights.

When I was 6, my best friend slept over and said I wet the bed. I could have sworn I didn't, but she said I did. The sheets were cold.

When I was 18 I cut school and played hookie with a boy in my car. I went to McDonalds to dry my stretchy khaki pants before I had to go back to my last class. They got wet. I think I used the hot air dryer and what was left of the paper towels.

When I was 19 I ate at Benihana for my cousins birthday and sharted before I opened my house garage.

When I was 21 I had an upset stomach during dance rehearsal in Oakland. Let's just say I was on the Bay Bridge in traffic on a Saturday night and was miles from a Shell public restroom. My brother and mom said the smell in my car was very unpleasant.

And in my pants at 26, I found two golden strands catching my eye. Actually, they're white.

...in my pants, it happens...

To Do LIST

- pay phone bill
- pay off tempurpedic bed on layaway
- make invitations for dinner date
- complete application
- laundry
- maintain/update STEPH's Closet big cartel website
- find CLUB to throw party on 3/13
- buy a MIC @ guitar center
- buy a laptop
- write a song
- practice/record Lloyd's hook
- record YouTube video
- go to Genious Bar to see if a genious could restore my G4
- call Therese
- find an apartment

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Strength

Today I find the strength to get thru the day, to feel thru my feelings, to get by with the thoughts in my mind. Today I pray for the strength to help myself find peace, content, and awareness of my life's current reality. Today I sit with myself. Today I comfort myself. Today I hold on to hope. Today I slowly learn, slowly feel, and slowly face my fears. Today I get in touch with my soul. Today I open up wounds. Today I get closer to healing. Today I face it all. Today I let myself be me.

Today will help me with tomorrow. Today will help me find me.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Go getter- I do it for love

I will go after what I want and take risks. I have nothing to loose, nothing holding me or stopping me from moving forward.

I want to sell Vintage Clothes on the world wide web. I want to style, be a stylist. I want to sing, perform live, and do shows - I want to Sing. I want to write. I want to grow as a performer. I want to dance and challenge my body. I want to find happiness in the things that I do and love.

I'm going to go and be a go getter. And I will find LOVE in myself.

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