BLAST from the PAST 2

Friday, February 25, 2005

Today was one of the worst days that I've had in a while. First, it seemed to start off as a good day because I slept in after a fun night with my family. But mornings for me never turn out good. There's something about the morning that makes me move in slow motion and shit just lags and I'm always always late - and my hair's a mess, even if it's straight. So, like always, I'm SUPER late to school. Class ends up being bullshit, like always. And dance just drags. My broke tooth needs work on because of all the candy I scarf down every hour. The dentists stick needles in my gums and my hard palate till I'm numb and dumb, drills the shit out of my tooth till she gets where she needs to be, and cuts savagely at my gums, squirting blood all over my face, and sews me up, stitches all noticeable and shit. The pain's unbearable and I'm soo hungry. And I'm just in such a bad mood because of this constant throbbing in the left side of my mouth. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's the first time I've written in here for over a month and all I have is a list of complaints, haha. I'm just canned because I missed dance tonight. It's one of the only places I love to express myself fully, take what's inside and channel it into an art. And I missed it 'cause of my broke tooth. It's also one in the morning and my ass has work at nine in the morning. I NEED A VACATION, haha. Plus there's this tension in me that I can't really figure out where it's at and what I need to do to relieve it. I mean, I don't really have any problems in my life directly, so nothing's really causing stress. School's never really anything to make me all crazy. Work's new so it's all good. Not enough partying? Sexual tension? Deprived of shopping? HAHA. I feel like this from time to time, then it passes - life goes on. It's probably because I haven't been eating chocolate cause of my broke tooth. Chocolate and ice creams always help. I was driving home from school today and Nothing Even Matters was in my CD player. And it's one of my favorite dances. So I'm driving on skyline and dancing and snapping, with face and all. And dude next to me in the other car is staring at me like crazy. Lukily I had my shades on so he wouldn't see me directly lookin' in his eyes. It's not like he never did that shit before. I know everybody be actin' superstarry in their car - it's not just me. I see them and clown the hell outta them in my head. THINGS THAT HAPPENED SINCE I LAST WROTE HERE: SNOWBOARD. Got CHASED by a SKUNK. Broke MY PINKY nail OFF. Experienced what a PANTY DROPPER can do to a girl (EXACTLY THAT), YOSHI'S night of fun. HANGOVERS. GOT A JOB. MADE it routine to go to BLUSH - even on non-crackin' nights. MADE barnes and noble my second home. REALIZED how much i miss CSM and hate SKYLINE. Completed almost two TAPIOCA EXPRESS frequent buyer cards. Realized how HAPPY i am. Had A SUCKY valentine's day. BAD HAIR DAYS because of the stupid red i fuckin' put in it. DROPPED my 930 class cause i was always an hour late. Danced HELLA. So I watched sexy Will Smith in HITCH and walked out of the movie theatre thinking about relationships. I like the movie. But all night I was thinking about two things: 1. Fate and 2. Taking the initiate to make things happen. Now this was the night Nate, Fro, and me got chased by a skunk on Beachview. And those guys were on something because they were the ones talkin about love first and how things could happen because of FATE or taking the initiate to make love happen - believe it or not. And it's always interesting to hear the opposite sex's opinion about love. But what is it? Are we supposed to wait and let life take it's course, providing us with things that 'are meant to be' or are we supposed to jump at opportunities and make something out of it? Fro believes in making things happen because you're the only one who'll decide your own fate. And Nate believes in waiting for the right person to find you, cause there was somebody born for you. Deep shit, huh. I believe that's there's a comprise between the two and that both's possible. They both have a point. Interesting huh. I guess that's enough blabberin' for tonight. My tooth's yellin' for me to jump my ass into bed 'cause it's gonna be impossible for me to wake in the morning. It's hurting, a sign for me to head to bed, where it's nice and warm - time to dream, my favorite.

BLAST from the PAST 1

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Feelings may be the hardest thing to explain in words because of the complexity they bring to our lives. And sometimes feelings could be simple, easy to understand. I've experienced many feelings, as does every person existing does - but only now have been introduced to a new set, a new set of feelings that has opened my eyes. Everybody has a set plan of how they want their life to turn out. I want to finish school, find a good job, share my life with someone, and have kids to pass my knowledge on to. These are my main goals in life and in my mind, I'm anxious to get there. But the reality of life is that things really do not turn out the way you plan them to be. Three years ago, my life was totally different than what it is now. I was very insecure, but I wasn't lonely. I had someone to share myself with, but wasn't happy. I was partying too much but was lost in life and made many mistakes. I would never have thought that I would be where I am today in life. I'm lonely, but I'm secure about myself in so many ways. I'm so happy with life, but have no one to really share it with the way I deeply want to. I've learned from my mistakes and have found stablitiy in life and my surroundings. I believe I've come a long way and am grateful to God that he has helped me get where I am because I'm ready to face whatever comes my way. So, this week I've been introduced to a new set of feelings that has enabled me to reflect on my life. I've learned that tragic things can happen to people all the time. It may happen because of reason and it may happen due to accident. But it may happen. And whether it is deserved or not, it is a reality. And because of a tragedy, I've experienced feelings of sadness, pain, happiness, confusion, and anger. Thru this experience, I've learned several things about life. And deep in my heart I've felt things so deep. I've been able to tell myself to seriously change my life so that I could do good and spread love to others in some way. I've learned that I truly love certain people because of their influence in my life. And I've realized that I need to make them know that I feel for them this way before it's too late. Life is short. I've learned to appreciate the people who love me and give thanks to those who care about me. They love me for who I am, and I'm fortunate. Honestly. I've learned to let negativity go because it could cause unnecessary things to happen. Seriously. I've learned that I need to strengthen my relationships and rekindle old ones because the people involved in my life are important to me. They're why I am who I am. I've learned to cherish family because they will have a connection to me that others cannot. Blood is thicker than water. And I've learned that hatred can be an addiction that may make you into a person you don't want to be. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my life. And I don't want that to never be not known. I need to change a lot about me and am ready to look at my faults and accept the wrongs I've done. It'd be a start to livin' the new life I think would make a difference in many ways. The death of a friend has opened my eyes and has made me feel things that have been hard to deal with. Undescribable feelings of sadness has caused tears to fall from my eyes that cause a new kind of pain. And I'm so sorry this had to happen. I'm just fortunate enough to have several memories of him and am deeply effected by this tragedy. But I am very grateful for the lessons that I've learned in this time. I've realized that it is important to me to make changes in my life and do well. Again, I love the people who have helped me live my life so much. And there's really nothing better than just livin' life to the fullest, lovin' those who love you, and appreciating everything that comes your way. And if you've read thru this whole thing, thank you. This is something very important to me. RIP JUSTIN MENDOZA

NOHO SWAG

I've only started to process my move now. It's been almost two weeks since I've last woken up in Pacifica's moist, foggy, comforting home zone AND so much has changed.

Michelle and me have settled in. I've unpacked. Organized my closet. Picked a desk from IKEA. Dusted and pulled out my pictures of friends/family framed. Bought a paisley shower curtain. Cooked. Cleaned. Slept. Been to LMFAO's video shoot. SANG SANG SANG.

I've created a new home for myself here in North Hollywood.

I'm excited.

Stories soon to come. I'm itching to write and have TONS of stories to blog about.

...NOHO SWAG...

Noho SWAG...

...in my pants...

When I was 5, kids made fun of me in school. I looked different, acted different, and felt different- eyes bulged out my sockets, was off the walls bouncing with energy, and felt extraordinary special. I took medicine for my hyper thyroid everyday at lunch and was ashamed of it. One day, I pissed myself - in my skirt/jumper uniform and nude tights.

When I was 6, my best friend slept over and said I wet the bed. I could have sworn I didn't, but she said I did. The sheets were cold.

When I was 18 I cut school and played hookie with a boy in my car. I went to McDonalds to dry my stretchy khaki pants before I had to go back to my last class. They got wet. I think I used the hot air dryer and what was left of the paper towels.

When I was 19 I ate at Benihana for my cousins birthday and sharted before I opened my house garage.

When I was 21 I had an upset stomach during dance rehearsal in Oakland. Let's just say I was on the Bay Bridge in traffic on a Saturday night and was miles from a Shell public restroom. My brother and mom said the smell in my car was very unpleasant.

And in my pants at 26, I found two golden strands catching my eye. Actually, they're white.

...in my pants, it happens...

To Do LIST

- pay phone bill
- pay off tempurpedic bed on layaway
- make invitations for dinner date
- complete application
- laundry
- maintain/update STEPH's Closet big cartel website
- find CLUB to throw party on 3/13
- buy a MIC @ guitar center
- buy a laptop
- write a song
- practice/record Lloyd's hook
- record YouTube video
- go to Genious Bar to see if a genious could restore my G4
- call Therese
- find an apartment

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Strength

Today I find the strength to get thru the day, to feel thru my feelings, to get by with the thoughts in my mind. Today I pray for the strength to help myself find peace, content, and awareness of my life's current reality. Today I sit with myself. Today I comfort myself. Today I hold on to hope. Today I slowly learn, slowly feel, and slowly face my fears. Today I get in touch with my soul. Today I open up wounds. Today I get closer to healing. Today I face it all. Today I let myself be me.

Today will help me with tomorrow. Today will help me find me.

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Go getter- I do it for love

I will go after what I want and take risks. I have nothing to loose, nothing holding me or stopping me from moving forward.

I want to sell Vintage Clothes on the world wide web. I want to style, be a stylist. I want to sing, perform live, and do shows - I want to Sing. I want to write. I want to grow as a performer. I want to dance and challenge my body. I want to find happiness in the things that I do and love.

I'm going to go and be a go getter. And I will find LOVE in myself.

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