AFTER THE FACT... I don't think I've ever felt so secure in my life than I do in the present - which is extremely important becuase my insecurities pretty much controlled majority of my life. Although, I'm not the happiest I've ever been. But I guess it's because I finally found out the truth about the person that I love. For so many years I've never been one hundred percent sure about the things that Jay has done behind my back. Ever. I never even took the initiative to get the truth out of him because I was terrified of the damage that he was capable of doing, the hurt that it'd cause me, and the image of him that'd be ruined when I'd find out the truth. So I pretended that Jay was the perfect person who comforted and provided stability in my life, giving me love the way that I asked for it. And he even always said the things that I wanted to hear to keep me happy. In all the years that we were together, only two people - Mica Pasco and Romeo - told me anything about what Jay did that I did not know. And I am STILL in the dark about everything. There is nobody who tells me anything. Even my own brother cannot tell the truth. But it's okay. What do you think about that Jay? I do not know anything. But it's okay. So for years, I had so many insecurities because of the way that I lived my life. These insecurities ruined my relationship with Jay and he loved me less and less. Anyway, I guess by opening my mouth, I knew that the truth would come out - the truth about the kind of person Jay really was. The side of him that I never really got to see, the side that everybody knew but me. The side that was hidden from me. But I really had to find out for myself. Even us being broken up, Jay would still be able to light up my day. He would still be able to put a smile on my face, help me out, or call me when he'd do something stupid. He'd surprise me and when we'd be together, things would be liked they'd never changed. Like it was still Stephanie and Jay - RUSTY forever; cause that's exactly what we were. But I had to find out for myself that he was the person that I didn't want him to be. The truth would be my incentive to detach myself from the life that I live with Jay. It'd be the beginning of the life that I would forever live. And I was right. I found out the truth about Jay. I'm sorry about the way that I did it. I just wanted to keep Jay as long as I could, hold him every second I'd get, every second that he'd let me. But it's okay. Even though I've finally figured out the truth, it'll be okay. I understand Jay. I understand that that's the way you are. And I finally accept it. I forgive you for everything that you've done to hurt me and it's the pain that I've caused you that hurts me. And it's the things that I've done that have ruined you that kills me. And I have to live with that feeling for the rest of my life because I love you. But it's okay Jay. I hope you realize that you don't have to do this forever. You really don't. You never even have to ever do it again - especially after this time. Things like this don't even ever have to happen. And I know you already know that. You will always be important to me no matter what. You've contributed to my development, my character, and my point of view on things. You've enforced pain, conflict, and heartache in my life, draining all of my energy in every way possible. You've provided companionship like no other, unconditional support, patience, and stablity through your continuous love. You've challenged me, enabled me to love someone more than I'd love myself or anyone ever close to me. And I thank you for growing with me side by side for the past seven years, for being the person that knows me better that I know myself, and for teaching me everything that you have - even up to our last fight. You definitely are one in a million. But now I know the truth about you; the side that I never wanted to believe, the side that I prayed to God every night that you never were. I always thought it in the back of my head. Now I know. Now, I still pray for you every night, you know that. But now our lives will never cross paths again. Good luck with everything that you do. I believe in your success, your determination, and your ability to make what you want possible. You really can; in everything that you do. Your aggressive personality will enable you to be a very powerful person in so many ways. Use it to your advantage and to the advantage of those who are close to you. Communication is the key. I didn't mean to mess your life up. Deep down inside, you know. You know why I did everything. Now things will be better and healthier for the both of us. The possiblity of us being together is slim to none. No more hurting each other ever. I know you're mad. The maddest you've probably ever been. But I had to stop the way that we were. And this is the best way because now...there's no going back, there can never be a Jay and Stephanie - even if we ever wanted there to be. Not after this one. GOODBYE. Happiness is finally getting closer |
Friday, April 23, 2010
BlAST from the PAST 5
BLAST from the PAST 4
Friendship is one of the most important things in life. Close relationships help me grow because they provide support, guidance, and love in so many different ways. Having friends enables me to give myself to people in many ways, to share what I know, to learn what they know, to be involved in their lives. From the closest friend that I have, to those who are aquiantances or enemies...every person I know in any way, has contributed to my character, has affected me in some way little or big. Some more than others, but definitely, every person in this world that I know has played a crucial part in my life. I only have a handful though who would, with no doubt, be by my side any second for any reason. And I am truly grateful for those few people. I cry because of a stupid testimonial on friendster Michelle writes me. I get furious because Annie confronts me about how much of a bitch I am. Shit like that. I could go weeks without talking to them and still be so connected and patient with them. I adore each and everyone of them in so many ways. But there are times when friends may hurt each other. And I think I'm dying inside because of something like this. I did not even know the situation was how it was until it was too late - until it was too late for me to do anything, too late for me to say anything, too late to say my reasons for why I acted the way I did. And my heart hurts deeply because of it. There's no pain like the hurt you feel from a friend who you love so much. Now I'm ashamed, guilty, feeling at fault, angry things are the way that they are. I tell myself all the things I should have done to show how much I honestly care everyday. No excuses are good enough, I know and it sure doesn't show I care. But how am I supposed to know how the other one feels? I'm SORRY. That's all I could say. I'm so ashamed I can't even talk about it. I'm so crushed, I can't even confront it. I'm so hurt, I can't even believe it's like this. I'm too pussy, xanga's the only place I'll ever get near to ever talking about it. People fuck up. I really don't know what to do and I'm afraid that nothing is really going to be done because it's too late. But, it's supposed to be never too late right...it's supposed to be better late than never right. But how does that work when I don't think I even have another chance. This is really killing me inside |
BLAST from the PAST 3
Another Christmas has finally passed and in a matter of days, my 20th year of living life will fly by and a new year will begin. It honestly has been the hardest year of my entire life. Unfortunately, I've lost a lot this year - the person I loved the most - ever, a close friend I cherish deeply, and a series of oppurtunities that could have made me a better person. As I reflect on these things, I realize the importance of life. The pain that I've felt this year cannot compare to anything that I've ever felt in life. The feeling dwells inside of me at the pit of my heart, but yet, it amazes me how I've been able to continue and live my life. I've learned many things that have enabled me to live life this year. The energy that explodes out of me through dance, music, and art comes from the hurt I've caused and experienced from Jay. What people see in me today in my personality comes from everything that I've ever wanted to be in a person. My aggressiveness in everything that I do and accomplish comes from the inside of my soul - portraying my true feelings - my true self. It's crazy how I've changed. People like to look at me and judge me for what they see or think. A lot of the time they're right, because being that my personality's really strong - shit's true. But when people say things about me, they should say things that I am - not what they think I am without even knowing. I'm not a SLUT and never have been in my life. Tell me something I know. My definition of SLUT is a hoe; somone who fucks around, a girl that's easy, available to guys. I might have given myself to someone for the wrong reasons recently, and made things happen, but it's only the one person I always been with. But, the word for that definitely isn't a SLUT, come up with something else please. I'm not a bitch - but I will be only if u fuck with me in any way - then it's true. I don't use people for cheap trips to Hawaii and I never fuckin' have. Talk to me first before shit gets said. I mean, people are really entitled to their own opinion, but wouldn't it be more valid if they questioned the validity of their remarks or opinions, so there's reason to say things that are said? I don't understand. But above all the negative things that have happened to me, I've been able to experience so much. I've really developed deep and intense relationships with my friends, the people I love. I have been able to get to know people because of my interest in their lives and their interest in mine. I am so fortunate to have the friends I have who appreciate the things that I do. I'm lucky to be able to strip myself of any insecurity I have of myself, just to be my true self in their presence. I've learned to be alone and really feel - really feel the things that I experience in my everyday life. Chocolate's never tasted any better. TO BE CONTINUED |
BLAST from the PAST 2
Today was one of the worst days that I've had in a while. First, it seemed to start off as a good day because I slept in after a fun night with my family. But mornings for me never turn out good. There's something about the morning that makes me move in slow motion and shit just lags and I'm always always late - and my hair's a mess, even if it's straight. So, like always, I'm SUPER late to school. Class ends up being bullshit, like always. And dance just drags. My broke tooth needs work on because of all the candy I scarf down every hour. The dentists stick needles in my gums and my hard palate till I'm numb and dumb, drills the shit out of my tooth till she gets where she needs to be, and cuts savagely at my gums, squirting blood all over my face, and sews me up, stitches all noticeable and shit. The pain's unbearable and I'm soo hungry. And I'm just in such a bad mood because of this constant throbbing in the left side of my mouth. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's the first time I've written in here for over a month and all I have is a list of complaints, haha. I'm just canned because I missed dance tonight. It's one of the only places I love to express myself fully, take what's inside and channel it into an art. And I missed it 'cause of my broke tooth. It's also one in the morning and my ass has work at nine in the morning. I NEED A VACATION, haha. Plus there's this tension in me that I can't really figure out where it's at and what I need to do to relieve it. I mean, I don't really have any problems in my life directly, so nothing's really causing stress. School's never really anything to make me all crazy. Work's new so it's all good. Not enough partying? Sexual tension? Deprived of shopping? HAHA. I feel like this from time to time, then it passes - life goes on. It's probably because I haven't been eating chocolate cause of my broke tooth. Chocolate and ice creams always help. I was driving home from school today and Nothing Even Matters was in my CD player. And it's one of my favorite dances. So I'm driving on skyline and dancing and snapping, with face and all. And dude next to me in the other car is staring at me like crazy. Lukily I had my shades on so he wouldn't see me directly lookin' in his eyes. It's not like he never did that shit before. I know everybody be actin' superstarry in their car - it's not just me. I see them and clown the hell outta them in my head. THINGS THAT HAPPENED SINCE I LAST WROTE HERE: SNOWBOARD. Got CHASED by a SKUNK. Broke MY PINKY nail OFF. Experienced what a PANTY DROPPER can do to a girl (EXACTLY THAT), YOSHI'S night of fun. HANGOVERS. GOT A JOB. MADE it routine to go to BLUSH - even on non-crackin' nights. MADE barnes and noble my second home. REALIZED how much i miss CSM and hate SKYLINE. Completed almost two TAPIOCA EXPRESS frequent buyer cards. Realized how HAPPY i am. Had A SUCKY valentine's day. BAD HAIR DAYS because of the stupid red i fuckin' put in it. DROPPED my 930 class cause i was always an hour late. Danced HELLA. So I watched sexy Will Smith in HITCH and walked out of the movie theatre thinking about relationships. I like the movie. But all night I was thinking about two things: 1. Fate and 2. Taking the initiate to make things happen. Now this was the night Nate, Fro, and me got chased by a skunk on Beachview. And those guys were on something because they were the ones talkin about love first and how things could happen because of FATE or taking the initiate to make love happen - believe it or not. And it's always interesting to hear the opposite sex's opinion about love. But what is it? Are we supposed to wait and let life take it's course, providing us with things that 'are meant to be' or are we supposed to jump at opportunities and make something out of it? Fro believes in making things happen because you're the only one who'll decide your own fate. And Nate believes in waiting for the right person to find you, cause there was somebody born for you. Deep shit, huh. I believe that's there's a comprise between the two and that both's possible. They both have a point. Interesting huh. I guess that's enough blabberin' for tonight. My tooth's yellin' for me to jump my ass into bed 'cause it's gonna be impossible for me to wake in the morning. It's hurting, a sign for me to head to bed, where it's nice and warm - time to dream, my favorite. |
BLAST from the PAST 1
Feelings may be the hardest thing to explain in words because of the complexity they bring to our lives. And sometimes feelings could be simple, easy to understand. I've experienced many feelings, as does every person existing does - but only now have been introduced to a new set, a new set of feelings that has opened my eyes. |
NOHO SWAG